Something I’ve always prided myself on (for the most part) is my ability to hold myself accountable for things that I’m not proud of. For example, one thing I definitely need to work on is building a more disciplined eating habit. I routinely put some of the shittiest food into my mouth-hole on the regular, because one of my unfortunate truths is that I really, really love to eat. I love carbs more than I love my cats. Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true, but it’s pretty close.
I love candy, I love pie, I love pasta, I love pastries, I love fruit, I love veggies, I love sushi, I love pizza, I love fast food, I love slow food. I love food.
It is not lost on me, that I perhaps love food a little too much. This is one of those habits that doesn’t really hurt other people, so naturally I continue on hurting myself with it because to me it doesn’t affect as many others as it does to myself.
When Habits Hurt Others
However, when our habits begin to hurt other people, this is where I find I must draw a line. I struggle with the idea of something that I’m doing causes emotional pain to others. Some might say “how other people react to something I do is THEIR fucking problem… not mine!!!” — but this is a dangerous mindset to establish. Where is the empathy? Where is the kindness? Where is the human connection?
Recently I did something I’m really not proud of. I lashed out at one of my closest friends due to my rejection sensitive dysphoria and emotional dysregulation with my ADHD. Were some of the things I said true? Probably. Were they hurtful? Absolutely. Did I own up to it and apologize? You fucking bet.
In the wise words of Kobe, “If you’re going to be a leader, you’re not going to please everybody. You have to hold people accountable, even if you have that moment of being uncomfortable.” — I think this is also true about holding ourselves accountable for our own actions, and realizing that actions have consequences.
Maybe it’s the Catholic guilt in me that I learned at a young age, but I’ve never been proud of doing something that hurts another person. Accountability back then with my first confession was far more tame than the kinds of things we’d confess now. At that time, I confessed to Father Chris Quinlan at St. John the Evangelist Parish that I used some swear words against my sister! Gasp! Well Father, bless me for I have sinned. It’s been a thousand years since my last confession, but I’m here to tell you that I am not, nor will I ever be a perfect person.
I will always be the first to admit when I’m wrong. It might take me a few days, or in some cases years, but I will always fess up to the fact that something I did was shitty.
What I have observed in recent years though, is that some people have no real desire to hold themselves accountable for their poor behaviour and I find this concept deeply disturbing.
When we lack basic human empathy to see how our actions hurt others, what kind of world are we building for ourselves or others? If nobody can own up to the fact that something they’re doing is wrong, we’d end up in a world of cruelty. Perhaps we’re already living in that world now. What kind of future do we want to give to the next generation if we refuse to accept responsibility in our own action or inaction to do what’s right? What kind of example are we setting for others?
So how do we know when it’s time to hold ourselves accountable for something?
If a large group of people are accusing you of the same thing, chances are this is your sign. If your habits push others away who were once close to you, this could also be a sign. I’m no mental health expert, but it doesn’t take a genius to understand when it’s time to acknowledge I have a problem.
Have you ever heard of that phrase, no man is an island? It comes from a book of meditations written by the English poet John Donne. Here is the full poem for those who don’t know:
‘No Man is an Island’
No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main;
if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe
is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as
well as any manner of thy friends or of thine
own were; any man’s death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
MEDITATION XVII
Devotions upon Emergent Occasions
John Donne
Source:
Dalhousie University
https://web.cs.dal.ca/~johnston/poetry/island.html
I think this poem is a fantastic reminder of how our own problems aren’t just our problems, but they become the issues and needs of our community around us. This poem is a reminder that need to work together, and not isolate ourselves for our own emotional needs from the rest of our community. We ‘other’ ourselves by not holding ourselves accountable for our faults.
Politicians could do better to remind themselves of this. CEOs could do better to remind themselves of this. So can we. When innocent people die needlessly in a war led by criminals, this is a problem for all of us. Let us also consider the lack of accountability when it comes to AI usage. I’ve seen some people blatantly say to others they will and will always continue to use AI for use in their own poor marketing or work ethic when we know full well that these data centres are enormously terrible for the environment, let alone stealing work from other artists online to make AI slop.
Where is the empathy and human connection? Where is the love for your fellow man? Where is the accountability for being part of the problem? Where is the culpability?
The reverse is true when one of our own flock have become lost.
Accountability VS Abandonment
We must hold ourselves accountable for abandoning those who need our help. No man is an island. No person should be treated differently because they are routinely making the wrong decisions for themselves. We can put up healthy boundaries, but when those boundaries are built upon resentment, this does no good for anybody.
I’ve learned the hard way over the years that friends will come and go. It’s a fact of life. Many times this is due to the fact that I have to put up a healthy boundary to no longer put up with poor behaviour. Life is far too short to allow yourself to be continually hurt by other people’s bad judgement, and it’s also not my job to police anyone else’s behaviour but my own.
However, when we collectively ostracize someone who is very clearly struggling, we are no better than the people who have wronged us…. No man is an Island.
If you’ve been holding onto resentment, or afraid to talk to your loved ones in fear of reproach for your own actions, I implore you to do the brave thing and hold yourself accountable today. Take it from a person who has always enjoyed living as his authentic flawed self. It’s so much easier being yourself than pretending to be something that you’re not. It’s far better to hold yourself accountable… to a higher standard than one that seems to save face from public ridicule.
My only hope in life is that we all learn to have a little more empathy for the people we care about, and to hold ourselves accountable when we’ve hurt the ones we love.
To recognize when our own behaviour is harmful to those around us is a gift.
Cherish it and make a plan of action on how to do better today.
DANIEL JAMES PIKE 